DISCLAIMER: These songs were written by our family this week as we were home recovering from the croup. They were written for our amusement and come with a restraining order to not be sung in 2 miles of an invocation or a benediction. (And, yes, we know they contain anachronistic uses of the term "Lutheran") We hope you enjoy. HAPPY REFORMATION DAY!!!
Martin the Lutheran (from the off off Broadway musical “Martin Get Your Nun”)
(to the tune “Buffalo Bill”)
Who's got the books that make the Pope go wild?
Baptizes every woman, man and child?
Who preaches Gospel when the Law shows all your sin?
(Who?)
Martin the Lutheran!
Whose choir sings in church without applause?
500 stanza and no altar calls!
10 communion hymns and there's a Christ-centered sermon?
(Who?)
Martin the Lutheran!
Have you ever seen a pastor with a beer?
(No we haven't!)
Or a church that has Epiphany each year?
(No we haven't!)
Or a German in a church who sheds a tear?
(No we haven't!)
Have you ever been to Wartburg?
(No sir!)
Then gather closer
And let me give you some of the atmosphere...
The hour is midnight and all is still
We see a friar climbing up a hill
Weary and worn from traveling
after the worst voter's meeting!
Diet of Worms condemned his doctrine all along.
The young reformer is on his steed
His trusty Bible resting on his knee
Knowing his life hangs by a thread
now that the pope declared him dead
Here I stand. I can do no other.
Suddenly there's a scene!
(Tell me, “What does this mean?”)
Tell me, “What does this mean?” you ask,
it's Lutherans.
(Lutherans?)
Lutherans!
(Lutherans!!)
Very musical, anti-enthusical Lutherans!
Just when the pope has come on with full force
Friends kidnap Luther riding on his horse.
To Wartburg castle where he'll do some translatin'
(Ulrich Zwingli?)
No! Martin the Lutheran!
Certainly this is pure doctrine
Better than all the Vatican
Better be on the go and in the know
with Martin the Lutheran!
There's No Lutherans like Old Lutherans
(to the tune "There's no Business Like Showbusiness”)
The vestments, the solas, the doctrine, the cross,
the acolyte that doesn't fit his gown.
The quilting, the organ, the potluck, the mites
the Altar Guild that never let's you down.
The prelude when your heart is beating fast.
The benediction and then Bible Class
There's no Lutherans like Old Lutherans like no Lutherans I know.
Everything about them is appealing.
Everything the elders will allow.
If you want to see them hit the ceiling
Just take their pew and they'll have a cow!
There's no Lutherans like Old Lutherans they smile when they are blue.
Yesterday Old Adam was drowned again.
We're Lutheran saints but we also sin.
Still with Absolution we will always win.
This is most certainly true.
The pastor, the choir, the hymnal, the young
the organist who warms the church at dawn
the name of the Father, the Spirit, the Son
Please make sure that your cell phones are not on!
The coffee and the donuts and the smell
The last quick word before they ring the bell!
There's no Lutherans like Old Lutherans if you tell me it's true
Confessing your sins is just so freeing!
Kneeling up at the communion rail.
Smiling as you see your sins go fleeing
although the sermon moves like a snail.
There's no Lutherans like Old Lutherans they smile when they are blue.
Even in November when the sun's so low
and you can actually see moss grow1
still you wouldn't change it for a sack of gold.
This is my grandfather's church.
This is most certainly true!
1Other ancient authorities read: “the sidewalk's slippery and white with snow”
You Can't Get a Man with a Nun (from the musical “Martin Get Your Nun”)
O my mother was frightened by religion they say
that's why I gave the convent a shot!
I'd be out in the abbey and be silent all day
but now tell me what have I got?
I prayed with my sisters
that I could find a mister
and the preacher could make us one.
But my life's not so simple
because I wear a wimple.
No, you can't get a man with a nun.
When out in the garden
I pray all day for pardon
When my rosary is all done.
But God put men with women,
I do not think that's sinnin'
No, you can't get a man with a nun.
With a nun. With a nun, Oh you can't get a man with a nun.
If I met a blacksmith
someone to share my life with
I would have a ring of gold on.
So I'm getting kind of sick-ta
of Blessed Benedicta.
No, you can't get a man with a nun.
A man can be funny
and cuddle like a bunny
with his wife that he thinks is fun.
But I can't be a rabbit
while stuck here in this habit.
No, you can't get a man with a nun.
If I met a herder
is it worse than murder
to be Eve for my own Adam?
But I cain't fetch his apple
while locked up in the chapel.
No, you can't get a man with a nun.
With a nun. With a nun, Oh you can't get a man with a nun.
If I was a Missus
who got some hugs and kisses
I'd be true to my dearest one.
But you cain't get a mister
when he calls you sister
No, you can't get a man with a nun.
If I met a baker
or met a candlemaker
We would build a home out of love.
How will I find my Darrel
In a pickle barrel.
No, you can't get a man with a nun.
Though I'm like a pistol
I still can read my missal
I can be a wife like Sarah.
How will I find Prince Charmin'
While at the convent farmin'
'Cuz no fool would dare tool
With the Benedict Rule.
No, you can't get a man with a nun.
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